With just five classes to go until graduation, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I’ve learned a ton – my head is fit to bursting. What, exactly, do I plan to do with all of this knowledge? I’m not 100% certain.
I plan to write.
That’s about all I have ironed out at the moment.
On Sunday, I was forced to take a really hard look at myself and who I am. I realize that school has taught me much more than story structure and narrative form. School has given me an education in myself.
- I’ve learned that I’m a people-pleaser. I go out of my way to try and help people, often doing more than I should. While always done with the best intentions, this has backfired on me countless times. I’ve overstepped boundaries, helped too much, and likely caused more issues than I have helped to solve.
This saddens me greatly. The best intentions often have the worse outcomes. As my friend quoted the other day, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
If that’s the case, I’m more than halfway there already.
- I’ve learned that I am sensitive. I can be easily offended when topics such as creative ability and weight/body image come up, two things I have struggled with for years. My own insecurities make me overly aware of what other people say and do and I can be quick to translate an otherwise innocent message into one of personal attack, even when it was never meant that way.
I’ve always considered myself a strong person and, in many ways, I am. However, I can cry quickly and easily when I feel that people don’t like me and that boils down to my own perception of my self-worth. It’s something I really need to work on.
- I’ve learned that my expectations for myself are unreasonable. I set goals way beyond what I can realistically accomplish and I push myself to make them happen, often at the sacrifice of personal and professional obligations. For example, I often find myself working on homework late into the night, causing me to oversleep the next day. And don’t get me started on the sacrifices on my personal life. My poor husband.
I set the bar higher than I am capable of achieving in most areas of my life.
There is a constant struggle between my heart and my mind over how to be a better person and what I am actually capable of achieving. I fear disappointing people, but in an effort to make one person happy, I often let someone else down. If I do manage to make everyone happy (rare), I often disappoint myself for the means I had to take to do it.
This optimist is not in a good head space at the moment.
Working to be a better me. Or a new me. Or some combination of the two,
~ Victoria Elizabeth